Starting something new, especially something as intimate as shibari, can feel intimidating. But it doesn’t have to be.
In this article, I’ll share one way you can bring up shibari with your partner that feels light and inviting—no begging or bargaining necessary.
Untangling the Knots
Starting the conversation is often the hardest part. I’ve been there, too.
What if they don’t like it? What if they tell people I’m a freak?
I want to assure you that those fears are normal, and they absolutely do hold us back from bringing up a topic that—frankly—both of parties could actually be genuinely excited about together.
It’s so sensitive and vulnerable, which makes it so much hard to bring up because misinterpreting your partner’s openness to it feels like a shortcut to a breakup and a permanently ruined reputation.
And you’re not alone—we’ve had so many couples visit SPH with stories about being curious to try new things, including kink, but didn’t know where to start until they found us.
Without open communication, these moments of curiosity often get lost, leaving partners feeling disconnected or hesitant to open up further.
Let’s Get Something Straight
Before you bring it up, let’s address some possible misconceptions: Shibari isn’t just about tying people up.
Tying is a big part of it but there’s more to this Japanese art form than the elements of rope, sex, and sadomasochism. It’s a way of communication between the people playing together that isn’t limited to a one-size-fits-all “kinky template”.
Grandmaster Yukimura Haruki’s softer style of aibunawa (“caressing style”) may have a noticeable difference from the harder style of semenawa (“tormenting rope”) of Nawashi Akechi Kanna, but both care deeply about building a shared experience that’s mutually satisfying.
How do?
Step 1: Start the Conversation Gently
The first step is getting past the nerves and finding the right words. Try framing it as something you’re curious about and want to explore together.
So instead of coming out guns blazing with, “I want to try this with you—”, you can try:
“I bumped into this thing called Shibari and it looks interesting. Do you wanna look into it with me?”
This keeps the tone open and inviting, showing that you’re interested in sharing the experience with them if they choose to, rather than pressuring them into indulging you.
What this humility does is it relieves you from the burden of having all the answers to defend or explain shibari, if you yourself don’t know much about it right now. (That’s where we come in!)
Also, it’s important to note that the above phrasing means you’re not asking them to do shibari itself right away.
How you’ll be “looking into it” can be something you’ll decide on together: whether that’s by watching videos online, attending a rope jam to watch people tie in person, or joining a workshop to learn it yourselves.
What counts is that you are going at a shared pace that feels right for both parties, especially for the person who prefers to go slower.
Step 2: Dipping Your Toes
Here’s the good news: trying it out doesn’t have to be so complicated. You don’t need to know fancy knots or advanced techniques to get started. You don’t even need the expensive bondage rope imported from Japan.
Something as simple as asking your partner to hold one end of a necktie can be a good enough start so you don’t need to deal with learning knots right away.
At Shibari.PH, you can join beginner friendly workshops where we’ll onboard you on common safety practices and teach you rope games like spiral wrapping.
Just like the name implies, we ask participants to hold onto one end of the rope while their partner uses the rest of it to create spiral wraps around them. The goal is to apply the ropes with the intention of creating an experience rather than a pattern.
During the wrapping, students pay attention to their partner’s reactions and check: Are they enjoying it when I do this or are they enduring it? Does the rope feel challenging or comfortable when I do that?
You’ll be surprised how similar we are to our partners in some respects, and how different we might be in others, and that opportunity for discovery is part of the fun of rope play.
The nice thing about this approach is that it allows you to focus on your partner and the interaction you’re sharing, rather than hyper-focusing on technical details or involving intimidating stereotypes that most people already associate with rope bondage.
It gets to be less scary AND it highlights the communication aspect. Win-win!
Step 3: Baby Steps
Safety is always important when exploring shibari since things like asphyxiation and nerve damage are very real risks.
To make things simpler for complete newbies, here are some oversimplified rules for beginners: (a) Tie snug without choking the body and (b) avoid numbness of any kind, for now.
Experienced kinksters sometimes go for tight bondage and are comfortable doing so because both parties can distinguish numbness from circulation impingement and nerve impingement.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to expect newbies to have this sensitivity yet! To play it safe, assume that any feeling of numbness or tingles is nerve related and redo it until you find that goldilocks level snugness that’s comfortable without being loose (since too loose is risky too), without causing any numbness.
This conservative approach helps you avoid problems that come from accidentally underestimating the numbness you’re feeling.
Do’s and Don’ts
When you finally attend a workshop or experiment with rope play among friends, here are some tips:
- If they say they’re not interested, ask them why if they’re open to sharing, but don’t push if they’re absolutely certain.
- Do talk openly about feelings and boundaries.
- Do start simple with beginner-friendly techniques (more rope means more complexity, more complexity means more risks).
- Do check in often to make sure your partner feels safe and comfortable.
- Don’t rush—give your partner time to feel what you’re doing together.
- Don’t ignore discomfort—adjust ropes immediately if something feels wrong.
- Don’t worry about perfection—this is about connection for now, not mastery.
Wrapping Up
Shibari is a beautiful way to explore trust and intimacy with your partner. By approaching it with care, curiosity, and open communication, you can create something truly meaningful together.
If you’re ready to take the next step, Shibari.PH offers events where couples can either observe or learn the basics in a safe and supportive space. These are held on Saturdays in Makati, near Ayala Malls-Circuit.
Ready to try something new to bring you and your partner closer?
